i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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