I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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