Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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