The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
