while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
