Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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