I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
