I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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