I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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