Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
