Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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