dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
