Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
