If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
