My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
