How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
