My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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