her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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