i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
