I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
