she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize