I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
