guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
