I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
