Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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