Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
