Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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