i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
