i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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