Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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