He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
