I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
