i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
