Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
