Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just had sex on a roof
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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