I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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