theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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