all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
