So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
