i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
