u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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