Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
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I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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