Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We are all done wearing pants today
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