God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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