i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
