i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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