I wish I only lived at night.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so let's talk penis.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
