I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Drunk is not a location!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
