this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
