Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
