Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
