She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
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I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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