Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
