I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
