I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
