The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
