Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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