I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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