Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
