I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question