You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.