Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
