I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
