Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
