eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
