Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
the raccoons are back...
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