i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
