So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
