I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
only if we run a train.
done.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
