Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
